Surviving

There are certain rules for actually living through an attack of flesh eating zombies, or what have you. We all have seen the movies and we should know what not to do. Here is a short list.

1.Do not have sex in a horror movie. Just because you are f^#%*&^ like it is going out of style does not mean the undead will give a damn. Their bits no longer work, which may attest to them being pissed off, because you are getting and they are not.

2.Do not shower or take a bath in a horror movie. Yes, being clean is very nice and indeed a must. However, zombies do not care if you stink or smell like Tommy Girl/Boy. Its all good to them. Keep your funky ass clothed and run like hell!

3.Do not go up to a loved one who is undead and think they will cut you some slack. Case in point Dawn of the Dead. The girl went up to her husband or brother and hugged him. The zombie gave her a blank look then proceeded to tear an chunk from her neck. Talk about a hickey. If you see little Becky-SueIamSoCute coming at you with half her body rotting with blood smeated all over her… you hit her in the head and keep on going. Don’t let the children fool you. You are a meal to them.

4.Do not go wandering in the woods or abandoned houses. You may find yourself raped by vines (The Evil Dead, and you knew she enjoyed it, come on, she was moaning and shit!), hacked up by a hockey masked psycho (pick a Friday the 13th), eaten (Night of the Living Dead, etc), killed then raped over-and-over (House of 1000 Corpses and the Devil’s Rejects). You get the point. Curiosity can get you in some very deep shit.

5.Do not primp about your clothes. The psychos and flesh eaters do not care what you are wearing, so save that low cut dress sweetheart, you are just advertizing the melons as an appitizer, the dead are not impressed.

6.For pete sakes, take off the high heels girls!! Put on those ugly assed Payless flats and run Forest run!

7.Guys, stop trying to hit on anything with a skirt. Just because you find girls tasty, does not mean they won’t turn around and eat you…. literally. Your so-called charm and wit will not save your ass.

8.This is something I cannot stress enough… LISTEN TO THE  CHILDREN AND THOSE WHO SAY THEY SAW, HEARD OR SMELL SOMETHING. Chances are they will survive and your dumb-non-believeing ass will not.

9.Yes, they ARE coming to get you Barbara, so stop laughing  and run.

10.This may sound racist, but lets face it, its pretty much true… follow the black people. Chances are they will outlive you…… unless they are dumbasses who want to play macho and get their asses munched.

11. Never assume it is over. (Stolen from the Sci-Fi/Syfy channel of course).

I like that one a great deal.

There are many more and please feel free to add what you like. Keep these rules in mind and you can survive a night of Horror.

Carry on.